Half Man Half Biscuit followed by a Stag Do

Going to a Half Man Half Biscuit gig is an odd experience for me. Firstly, if like my companion you are knocking on 40 that still makes you pretty much the youngest person there. Secondly, given they are a relatively obscure band, the entire audience appears to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all the band's material. Which is handy as most of the entertainment value rests in their lyrics, which are almost unintelligible when heard live. Forewarned is forearmed.

But starting off was a chap called John Donaldson from Calvin Party, a fact to which I owe a debt to my knowledgeable friend. If Half Man Half Biscuit are obscure, then their label mates are doubly so. However, Calvin Party it seems disturbed John Peel's Festive Fifty back in the day. Although that day felt a long time ago. This was angry young man music, political lyrics and musically raw songs. But you would hope one could develop with age. The tramp like appearance doesn't help. But the lyrics are witty. I liked one song along the lines of "I don't want to be a lawyer. 'Cos St Peter won't let me in. And I'm a Catholic so believe in all that shit".

Then onto a long set by Half Man Half Biscuit. A very scouse band, you do have to get your ear attuned to the accent. As noted above, its all about the lyrics, although the songs stand up ok musically too. Well they should do or really you are just writing poetry or prose.

Its difficult to quite convey the esoteric nature of their output. I only really know one of their many albums, Back in the DHSS which certainly had a bit of a cult following back in the Eighties. Their stuff is spectacularly dated in the sense that it is littered with cultural references which you just wouldn't relate to unless you lived through the times. Songs like "99% of Gargoyles look like Bob Todd", "F***hell, its Fred Titmus" or "Bastard son of Dean Friedman". You have to have lived through the seventies and eighties for any of these people to mean anything.

There is even a website called the Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project which analyses their lyrics. I suspect One Direction lack a comparable site.

Try

http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/

One of my favourites is a song called "For what is Chatteris?", which is a sort of spoof of love songs like "What is Life if Living is Without You" So this is based on what is the point in living in Chatteris (obscure market town in Cambridgeshire) without one's loved one. I especially like the 3rd and 4th lines below. Either this is your sense of humour or its not.

"Like a game-bird reserve short on pheasants
Weavers’ cottages devoid of tenants
A market town that lacks quintessence
That’s Chatteris without your presence
Three good butchers, two fine chandlers
An indoor pool and a first class cake shop
Ofsted plaudits, envy of the Fens
Prick barriers at both ends
But what’s Chatteris if you’re not there?"

It finishes with the conclusion, 

"What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?
I may as well be in Ely or St.Ives…"

So that was my Friday night. Saturday was totally devoted to a stag do. 11:30 start at the Workers Cafe in Islington for a large fry-up brunch. What more middle-class title could one imagine for an eaterie than the Workers Cafe? It sits opposite Islington Town Hall, a wedding venue, and hence a popular starting point for a day of nuptials too. So shortly after midday our little initial group hit out first pub, the King's Head, well known for its theatre, but for us just a good start point. I began with a shandy, wimpish, but as you can see I am giving everyone else a 20 year head start in age.

Anyway, undid all my good work at the next spot, the Earl of Essex. Now this is a really, really middle-class pub. Popular with us for its very fine beer selection. As I say I undid my good work by going for a strong Belgian Trappist  beer. The pub was full of young middle-class locals with their small children and expensive prams.

Then onto our feature activity of the day, urban golf. A nod here to our stag who actually likes this strange pursuit (I will not be misled into calling golf a sport since it is clearly no such thing.) Now the one thing that quickly became evident to me is that one could sensibly shut down all those expensive and land-hungry golf courses around the country and turn the land over to more productive uses, be they housing, agriculture or just nature reserves, replacing them, for those for whom the manly pursuit of arm-swinging is such a vital living ingredient, with these urban golf courses.

You can play pretty much any course in the world you like. the golf clubs are all there for you so no hefting about a heavy bag. You fire at a screen and monitors pick up where your ball would have gone if you had hit it on a full course (in my case, never very far....). And you can happily drink a pint while while you are at it. Never weather disrupted. Eco friendly as you could have them in your neighbourhood rather than drive with clubs out into the country. Problem sorted. Next the Ukraine crisis...

Well, after a couple of hours of that we needed to find somewhere with better quality beer, so Jae had the Craft Beer Company next on the itinerary. A good choice although the timing was unfortunate, coinciding with a hailstorm, as you can see.

But the beer was of course good, the selection enormous and the place absolutely heaving with customers. Well what about that for a business idea? Instead of having a pub just recycling piss like Carling and Heineken, why not try selling a wide variety of nice (albeit a bit more expensive) stuff which would appeal to people's varied tastes?

So we settled down there until dinner called. I was persuaded by the one man not drinking alcohol to go for just about the strongest beer on the menu, basically an upgrade on the one I had earlier at the Earl of Essex. So that was a beer more than 10% proof. But really nice flavour. Warm and welcoming to the palate.

And to finish off, dinner at Needoo, a spin-off of the well-known Tayyib. This is a pakistani curry house. You wouldn't pick it for its ambience. On a Saturday night it is madness. So why go? Well, yes for the food. Which is just about as tasty as you can imagine. Truly mouth watering. You do have to like curry, including the smell. Luckily being traditional British blokes we do. Funny that, drinking beer in places that sell good beer and eating food in places that serve good food. Unfortunately the trend in recent years is to concentrate on interior decor and fancy menus.

So that wrapped up the day really. No strippers, no dressing up, no falling over, no vomit, no insulting the bar staff. An excellent stag do. Looking forward to the wedding now. Given its Barcelona in May I think we will avoid the hailstorm, but will be difficult to match the beer.