The Pigeon Detectives
But at least it started with a genuine indie act, and a reliably energetic one. Second time I had seen them this year. But as I have remarked before, when your act is so much dependent on bouncing around the stage like a lunatic, you have an in-built shelf-life. It didn't help when one of the lead singer's lunges ended up disconnecting his mike, leaving him temporarily speechless.
Conor Maynard
Next up was what I think of as Britain's answer to Justin Bieber, Conor Maynard. But just not so obviously a tosser as the real thing. Nice looking boy with a decent enough voice, he clearly appealed to the teenage Essex girls around me, the braces on their teenage smiles glinting in the sunlight. But for me, well I went after a couple of tunes for a more interesting option, lunch and a carton of noodles. I definitely felt I got the better deal.
However, on later reading of my ridiculously expensive programme I found I was wrong. It expressly stated that Mr Maynard is NOT Britain's answer to Justin Bieber. So that settles that then, its official. Well no, its double bluff. You only have to say that if you are in fact Britain's answer to Justin Bieber, just with fewer Twitter followers.
Eddy Brimson
Faced with such an uninspiring music offering elsewhere I decided to hit the comedy tent "early" meaning getting a good spot well before the act I really wanted to see came on.
So I came in half way through a set by Eddy Brimson - new to me.
Now before I go any further, having watched so much stand-up for over 20 years it got me to thinking how the subject matter has changed, or stayed the same. When I first went to see local comics (as opposed to the big draws you saw on TV) top topics were being drunk, sex (especially oral) and the differences between men and women. Now racism and surprisingly, children, are really regular mainstays, although sex, drunkenness and gender politics are up there too.
So Mr Brimson did a nice slot about NOT having children. How do you sell having kids? "Have you got bored with exotic holidays, spontaneity and going down to the pub with your mates? Well for only £250,000 you could have ... children!"
He was good.
Next up was Canadian comic Katherine Ryan. Touch of deja vu for me as I last saw her in the comedy tent at Reading festival. Not bad actually, but not one to take kids too. She played on being a single mother. "Young guys don't mind me having a kid, but they compliment me like I have been in a crash. "You've got a kid? Whoaa! But you don't look too bad though.""
I liked the line, "My current partner.... - that's how I introduce him to people."
Also liked her comments on the Chelsea player kicking a ball-boy incident last season. We have had "Hug a Hoodie, now lets go for Hoof a Yoof."
Eddie Izzard
Then to the act I had really come to see, the great Eddie Izzard. I have never seen him live, so I thought this was the opportunity. I won't attempt any of his routine as its pretty out there. He gives the very realistic impression of making it all up as he goes along. Real flight of fancy stuff rather than stories of real life slightly exaggerated as is the staple fare of stand-up. I am not naive enough to think its all off the cuff, but by the same token its clearly not a script he has learnt off pat (like some comics on the bill).
Mark Oliver
A word too for the MC linking all this, Mark Oliver, who did a really good job, including filling in during the "interval" As you can imagine, the tent emptied out quite a lot after Eddie Izzard. As far as I could tell, the day was built on 4 batches of 3 comics, each having two supports and then a "headliner." I stayed on for the next two supports.
Andrew Bird
Andrew Bird therefore was bottom of the next trio. A reasonable enough comic though, but nothing to get out of your seat for. (And as we were sitting on the ground, a comfy seat was what I was now craving. Actually standing for hours watching bands is much easier I find than sitting on the ground. I think sitting with your legs crossed was a skill I lost at primary school.)
Shappi Khorsandi
My first time seeing Shappi live too, and I was impressed. Have seen her a number of times on TV. One could add to the debate about how few funny women there are and I am afraid to say its just a fact. But Shappi is one of the best. Good material, but actually its the timing and delivery that beats most of the other women on the circuit.
She also played heavily on being a single mum with two children. Again on attitudes of men to her and sex, but I thought the funniest stuff was just on having kids.
"First born are born out of love. You second borns, that's not love, you are just toys to keep the eldest sibling from being bored. Your parents only had you to keep the older one amused on holiday. And third born? Well, there aren't many photos of you are there? By the third one parents just stick them in a bucket with some barbed wire to chew."
I also like d the bit about her mother and sex. "I'm not saying she is a prude, but she calls sex "Whore's business".
Two Door Cinema Club
I eschewed the headline act of the section, Josh Widdecombe (as I had already seen him live earlier in the year) in order to see Two Door Cinema Club on the Main Stage (whom I had also seen live earlier in the year, but music is not like comedy. You don't mind if you have heard it before - in fact that's what you really want. Two Door are an excellent band, one of my favourites at the moment, and they didn't disappoint. And having got a half decent spot I thought I would stay here on the Main Stage for the night. Probably not my best decision.
Jessie J
Next up was Jessie J from the Voice. Very, very Essex. Now call me old-fashioned, but coming on stage in earrings that are longer than your pants is not a sign of class. To be fair she does have a very decent voice, but I couldn't help feeling that her all black backing singers and musicians could have done the whole set well without her.
She is also intensely irritating. Her cod philosophy is delivered as if she had just invented existentialism ("Just follow your dreams"), and I didn't feel quite as special and privileged as she intended us to be with the earth shattering news that she was releasing a new album and she was showing us the cover first. Well there you go, a world exclusive. My cup runneth over....
The Script
Then onto the Script, featuring Danny O'Donoghue also of the Voice. See the pattern? Now I have seen the Script a number of times and they do have some good songs. But when I said music is not like comedy and repetition isn't a problem, actually it is for the patter in between songs. So when Danny asks someone to ring up an ex-boyfriend for him to sing down the phone at as if he was doing it for the first time, of course it grates when you have seen him do it before. The other problem with the band now is that they just ooze insincerity. They are just a little too "Oirish" to take.
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| Danny O'Donoghue enters the crowd for his "man if the people" section |
Beyonce
Which takes on to the headliner, Beyonce. Now this really isn't my scene at all, and she is not to my mind a festival artist at all. She is strictly video or Vegas to me. Dressing up with a bit of dancing. But I thought I would give it a go.
Now it it seems to me that if you are a singer and your greatest feature is your thighs, there is a problem. If you are a German centre-forward I can understand it, but a singer, no. She is to be fair a very attractive woman and does have a voice. My problem is that there is never anything like a tune behind her, and what music there is she just screeches over the top of. And like any diva, she just had to be quarter of an hour late, with us waiting in the rain. And it was a very Essex girls, chavvy crowd around me. Just not a good experience. So after a little while I decided to cut my losses, fought my way out through the crowd and had a look at the back of the second stage
This is where I felt I had made a bad choice. The second stage headliner wasn't meant to be headlining at all, but with Beady Eye pulling out, Steve Angelo, late of Swedish House Mafia, moved up the bill. While this DJ dance stuff isn't really my cup of tea either, it was just so much better than Beyonce. A smaller crowd, but a great light show and just nice music, albeit stuff that never seems to get anywhere, which is my problem with it. It is just an endless series of highs and lows, like I guess, taking uppers and downers in endless sequence. But overall a much happier experience than listening to Mrs Carter screeching in her latest outfit.
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