V Festival Chelmsford Day One

Phew what a scorcher. Felt like the hottest day of the year. But luckily just a bit of a breeze. We needed ice creams to cool off, as shown here with James modelling his ever so fashion ale Olly Murs hat.

We arrived sufficiently early for a bit of exploration. This is the dance arena where we finished the evening in a tent heaving with dancing teenagers. But here it is empty.

The Festival also has plenty of rides if you get bored with the music, such as this little roller-coaster. But personally it seems rather a waste to spend extra money on a funfair when you have shelled out for a festival. And also I rather doubt my paella would stay down.

We started out by finding the comedy tent, since we wanted to see Frankie Boyle later. Unfortunately the opening act Tome Deacon was no Frankie. Genial enough bloke with good delivery - just no material. Please, we have to have something more than a routine about how eating a banana in public looks like performing oral sex. Please.

 So off to the V Stage to see  Reverend & the Makers, but catching first the act on, Bleachers. One of the great things about festivals is the chance to catch something different that might actually be good. So while Mr Deacon wasn't much cop, Bleachers turned out to be really decent. Imagine a junior Bruce Springsteen. Pity there were so few people in front of the stage, but it was early and hot. A lot of folk were skulking in the shade of one of the trees. Anyway, watch out for Bleachers. Worked well on a big stage, nice catchy rock numbers. And distinctly American in a soundtrack to an Eighties teen movie way.
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So then up came one of my personal favourites, Reverend & the Makers. Jon McClure (the "Reverend") was sporting rather more hair than I have seen before, the unruly mop being in contrast to his smart suit. The jacket didn't last long in the heat. A very pleasing set to my mind with all the favourites from The State of Things including the never bettered "Heavyweight Champion of the World." Not sure of the sound quality at times, but I like his surly rabble-rousing. An unapologetically northern northerner.

  

After that we headed back to the comedy tent to see Frankie Boyle. I did warn James that the way to accomplish this would be to see at least one act before Frankie to make sure we found space to sit. This meant us taking in Craig Murray who was actually very decent indeed. Another find.

So then onto Frankie Boyle himself. The great man was, great. Really great. Not the man we have fgot used to on TV. Not only the big ginger beard now, but also the paunch. He is 43 and he says retired from touring. Which is an enormous pity.

He is of course renowned for going a bit too far in his jokes. But this is of course nonsense.  He is brilliant, and not at all offensive, unless of course you want to be offended. In which case he gives you material in spades. Here he went down an absolute storm, with lots of people having to listen to him from outside. A significant amount of his material featured his weary resignation to being too controversial to being allowed out on his own in the comedy world. "I can't right jokes for average people. Because the average person is Chinese". But of course his point is well-made. Lots of people write average harmless stuff. But it is all just jokes, not meant to be understood as searing indictment of modern society. So his description of David Cameron's view of women. "I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and in a barrel. No sorry, that's not fair. 18 years old a full of coke."

That's not slander as its never meant to be taken as truth. I liked his routine about being heckled by a man complaining about another routine on depression. As the man walked out he said "Suicide in=s never funny." Well why don't you kill yourself and I will see if its funny." That is funny, not awful, because its the sanctimonious crap he is railing at, not the Samaritans. After some paedo material (of course there is some) he said semi-bitterly "You will all complain about that joke on Twitter on you mobile phones made by a 10 year old Chinese boy." Yes that is the hypocrisy.

Actually no-one would be complaining because we were all laughing so much. But then that is why we all came; we didn't turn up with the express desire to be offended and so give vent to our outrage at the world. Being offended is just a hobby some sad w****s indulge in to make themselves feel useful, rather than actually doing anything useful.

Frankie is brilliant. Will be so sad if he no longer tours and we are just left with the John Bishops of this world.

Now blinking into the sunlight we emerged to catch the end of Annie Mac. Sorry, I just don't see the point of celebrity DJs.

It was really hot by now. Here is a scene of the crowd between acts as we headed off to the Bar for a lager.

We were on for a bit of a run on the main stage, so next up were the Couteeners. Now I like indie guitar music, but am afraid I can find nothing distinctive about this lot worth listening out for. Not bad, as they are playing in my language as it were, but not interesting.

Following the Courteeners was the much more popular Hozier, and Irish troubadour who had a massive hit with "Take me to Church" While that was catchy enough, overall I just cannot seethe attraction of this bloke, musically or indeed in appearance that should have brought him such a large (and predominantly female) audience.

 He did have quite a sophisticated backing group, including this young lady with the double bass.

 

Making our way back to the other side of the arena we found the end of Chvrches (sic) on The MTV Stage just in time to hear Lauren Mayberry thanks the crowd and say how hard it is to be a woman in rock. Possibly due to her just not being very popular. The crowd was really pretty modest for this time of the afternoon. Very modest.

Chvrches lack of appeal was in stark contrast to the following act, Sir Tom Jones. He had a huge following by the time he started as the penultimate act of the day. And it was a masterclass. He went down enormously well.

Sir Tom has really aged well. We didn't all turn up as a nostalgia exercise, not least as he was successful before most of the audience was born, and indeed before most of their parents too. But he is the coolest of septuagenarians. In the first place, he still absolutely has that voice. Then he has the songs, and to the extent that they aren't his, well he picks cover versions ever so well.

And he hasn't tried to look young, but just distinguished. Also, no expense is spared with the band. If you want to look classy you make sure those around you can show you off.

He has become famous for duets, and here did one with Imelda May, despite having a bit of whinge that she was set up to sings to his left when they had rehearsed the other way round.

  

 Anyway, it was a splendid show. We had most of the old favourites like Delilah (surely the supreme Tom Jones festival song for the crowd to join in), Its Not Unusual and the more modern hits like Kiss, Sex Bomb, You Sexy Thing, You can Keep your Hat on. Somehow, a septuagenarian belting out Sex Bomb isn't creepy when its Sir Tom doing it.

I persuaded James to forgo both the main stages with their head-liners, Kasabian and Olly Murs, in favour of the dance arena with Nero headlining. Can't show you much in the way of photos as its just a sea of teenagers in the dark with the bright lights of Nero out in front. You have to like this dance stuff. Their first album was excellent, but I can't say I was particularly impressed with the newer material.

What marks out Nero performance wise is having the hard vocals of Alana Watson over the dubstep music which the guys "play" behind their computers on stage. Anyway, a good night.