I found that mere words just cannot cover how sorry I am, how sad. That was what I found when trying to contact his family. What can you say? "How are you?" sounds so lame. How can one say anything that conveys the sheer enormity of the tragedy? "He has reached the end of his journey" is how his widow announced the news to me. The end. That is the point. It is over, and that is what it is impossible to get over. Finality. I can't sort this problem.
I can only pass on a few of the thoughts that have gone through my mind this week.
I wasn't ready for this. I really thought I would see him again. Because of this pandemic I haven't actually seen him in ages. Have just been messaging. But I really expected to see him again. Even when I knew the prognosis was bad, I still expected him to recover enough and for long enough to see him again. I wanted to be able to tell him how much I loved him, and how much everyone else loved him too. Did he know that? I hope so. At the same time, yes that would have been a difficult conversation, not exactly something one says in passing over coffee. But if there is one message I would have for anyone, one lesson to learn out of this, it is tell the people you love how much you love them. Now. Surely anyone would like to know that. Don't leave it too late.
I know health isn't a meritocracy. You don't always get what you deserve. But why Dan, the nicest of men? I can cope with old people dying, but someone who is middle aged, with so much more life to live, not least seeing his kids into adulthood? And as a pension lawyer surely one deserves to draw that pension. He had so many interests, so many things he liked doing. That was the point with Dan, he wasn't a guy who lived for his work. He played golf and chess, and the guitar, read serious books, and liked birdwatching. Indeed we were planning another trip only a few weeks ago, with the reserves re-opening.
I had so many messages of condolence from colleagues, especially junior colleagues. It is great being surrounded by top lawyers, incredibly bright, hard working professionals at the top of their field. Great, but daunting if you are starting out. Dan wasn't daunting. He was a top professional and everyone knew that - impressively bright. But also proved to any junior that you could do this job and still be warm and funny and have other interests and leave the office in the early evening and have time for everyone and be really nice.
I could eulogise about Dan for many reasons, his honesty, integrity, intelligence, kindness, but if you knew him you know that and if you don't it would be meaningless. But here is one observation of general application. I think what blokes see in other blokes is their sense of humour, what they want in a mate is someone to have a laugh with. And certainly that is what I felt with Dan. I could tell you about all his other qualities and how much I liked him for that. But frankly, he had me on the sense of humour. Didn't need anything else for me. I had lunch with him nearly every work day for 15 years. He wasn't the gag-cracking centre of attention sort of guy. Not the sort that turn into professional comics. It was all just gentle banter. Fun. I never tired of Dan. Not for a moment. And he was content being the butt of jokes too.
That all sounds so lame. I told you words don't work. I can't relate any anecdotes that would make you think wow, what a guy. Just trust me he was so lovely, and the world is poorer without him and I am in tears writing this. That is all you need to know.
But he has a legacy. Have got to know his son over the last year, and there is that sense of humour there. Obviously great to have inherited his father's brains, but the sense of humour might just be the most important thing. What will make him loved too. And isn't that what it is all about?
Rest in peace Dan. Sorry if I didn't tell you just what a wonderful guy you were. And sorry for the years of friendship we should have had in the future. So sorry. I am crying again...
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